Mar 18 2009
Motherhoodlum….whose the cheater?
I got to thinking the other day about affairs and cheating on my spouse. It used to bother me quite a bit when I cheated on my husband. I would chalk it up to being caught up in the spur of the moment, liquor induced, bad judgement. But as the years have gone by, I don’t blame any of those things anymore. I blame myself ofcourse, but am I sorry? Do I feel bad? Not really. Is it imortant to find blame? Its just something I do. Why blame anyone? Because society tells us its wrong and disrespectful?
You see, my husband and I have 2 totally different lives, while getting married I thought those 2 lives would emerge into one great big adventure, I remember saying in my vows I would make the ordinary days, very extrodinary. I have tried to do what I vowed. I also vowed to be faithful in sickness and in health. In a sense I have been all those things. I am there to take care of him when he is sick. I am still here through good and bad times. I support everything he does.I have no desire to get divorced. My desire stems from something else. It really has nothing to do with him at all. I love him, our life, our children. But yet, there is a desire there that I can not explain. The reason I cheat has nothing to do with him, it has everything to do with me.
I take total blame for being unfaithful, but thats all I am doing, having sex with other men. He is the one I take care of, cook, clean, love, and care for. Being unfaithful in the physical sense is the only part of unfaithfulness I subscribe to. I am not emotionally absent in our marriage. It is just my body and the way it makes me feel.
Opportunities present themselves to me everyday, sometimes I am intrested, most of the times not. But I do sleep with other men. Period. Its just that simple and easy for me to do as going to the grocery store. I have no issues with self esteem. Maybe its an addiction? I love pizza, but if I ate it everyday I would probably get sick of it. Not because I don’t enjoy it anymore, but because I wanted something different, a change of pace. Yes, I will go back to eating pizza, but want something different every now and then.
Society tells us our whole life we need to find someone to spend our life with. One person. Just one. To have and to hold. Good times and bad, being broke, physical abuse, whatever your life holds. Well I have that one person to have and to hold. But I also have other persons to make me feel more alive. Whats so wrong with that? Why can’t we explore as long as we explore safetly? As long as our exploring doesn’t harm the main part of our life. For me, it enhances my regular life. I am happier, more alive and energetic.Some people choose hobbies, watching TV, excersizing, what ever floats your boat. Why be stuck in an ordinary life, when you can make it extrodinary?
wow, your honesty is very attractive. I agree with your pizza metaphor. I feel that in most marriages, people experience the same thing you do, only they don’t have it in them to act on it. In consequence, they become miserable and unhappy. Unfortunately, I’m sure your husband won’t chalk it up to “saving your marriage”, but i do feel you are doing exactly that. It’s funny how most people fear being brainwashed, yet most of America already is.
Thanx, Sometimes I feel like I am the only one , if I was there wouldn’t be all ‘those’ web sites full of unhappy people. I do feel I am saving my marriage, if I wasn’t going out and doing what I was, I would be unhappy, therefore trying to make him unhappy, then the kids would suffer and so on, its a snowball effect that I am stopping right at the center of the snow storm. Yes, he would be angry and hurt if he ever found out, I have no answer if that day ever comes. Hopefully we will grow old together and I will grow out of this period in my life, but until then…lets eat pizza!!!